dreams

the last three days i have had and remembered very vivid dreams. Two days ago i dreamt that a good friend of mine died. it shook me in the dream and i cried. this has only happened once before. the next day i dreamt of two other friends. in one i was somewhere in a mountain where there were sort of giant waterworks with a huge stone falling down, like a giant rock piston. Oloff and a girl appeared there. In the other dream a very old and long ´gone´ friend, Rolf, was caught by a dark female force with had some overtones of a dominatrix. i had to lie and cheat to try and rescue him. Last night i was shopping with stragers in a strange town and later a ´new friend´ wanted to get me to look after his bussiness selling something. It didn´t feel right and i declined.

i asked for them and they came.

am see

as you can see i'm not a very good weblogger. i am not even in the same continent as my last entry!, although it is still the same year. be that a.i.m...
the enterprise finds itself exploring the edges of the bodensee quadrant in switzerland. it is here that i have come to learn about apples, cows, cherries and have a workout and suntan at the same time,) the work is making me eat so much. luckily the food is great. lasagna, fondu, cheese, wine, rusti... It is only I, Helmut, Martina, and Helmut's parents in the adjoining house. This weekend i will leave to go back for a party in Zurich and then visit another farm next week. here's a pic taken from my room this evening. chao

new arrival

my new nephew, James Scott, was born today. Geluk Franine en Colin.

san cristobal

mexico again lured me back.... the travellers, the forests, revolution, knowledge.

veracruz

danzon in the plaza. a good friend.

first entry

captains log stardate 20049. in the swiss quadrant.

jan and alex and finn

new friends in zurich, switzerland. a new time

swiss and spanish adventure

Simone here i come

Suicide

Today my great old friend, Karl, committed suicide, while i was caught up in my circling insides and we were both hiding our pain from each other and the world. Maybe if i had shared these thoughts it could have helped him. He could have seen we are all human, and that black spiders sometimes feed off us all when we're lonely and in need of love and understanding.

writing this enabled me to get rid of some of these negative thoughts. Perhaps it will be value to someone else.

Slow goodbye

i must have known it would come to this, this slow deadening parting. when i flew across the ocean for you and you only took 3 days off from work i should have cancelled my flight as i wanted to. but i'm so curious and have been looking for so long for someone to face life with. i was weak. and then when you half-heartedly helped me to visit you i should have kept my return flight. but i was weak and didn't return. and later when you made all sorts of excuses for not coming i should have used my extended ticket but i made some fanciful plans based on a future you, and it expired. que tonto soy.

sometimes i wish i could express what you mean to me. my hands are heavy with the most delicate love. my eyes with laughing lightness. my mouth with hunger.

perhaps you are right and we are not meant for each other. i hope you are right and you find someone just as good, because otherwise you will have a sad life. me, i cannot get any sadder. a big black spider of loneliness has been feeding of my soul for some time. i can hardly get more empty.

from the song poetry of Shakira i realised this is ending. if feel about you the way that she feels about her loves. i don't think you feel this way about me. i want to learn about myself and the world through your eyes. and you want to look after yourself.

i will continue my search then. there is no other way to follow. but it will feel like treason for a long time to come.

Slow

When i sometimes consider my own selfishness i don't find it surprising that so many marriages end in divorce. with the decline of the religious imperative against divorce and rise in women's status, the amount of divorces seem to me just about right.

do you know what i miss - to share things with an intimate friend. i have high requirements for a friend and don't make close friends easily. but my friends stay my friends for life. but my male friends obviously follow their own lives and i'm not sexually interested in my female friends, so they too have their own lives. so that's why i've stopped appreciating the good things in life. like cooking and eating great tasting food, doing tai-chi, yoga, meditating, taking photographs, visiting beautiful places..etc. i just get sad when i have no-one to share it with and who shares my vision of life and love for these things. it seems pointless. so at the moment i'm just doing the minimum to stay healthy and not getting too bored untill she comes. of course this conservative and restrictive policy is backfiring, because i'm getting depressed and i'm not happy. what a surprise. so what do you want me to do. to stop this minimizing of my life and live 100%. i'll have to, but it's hard after so many years of waiting and winding down.

there's one thing i would like to do - to erase the shoulds and musts from my life. but is that possible? that would mean no imperatives, no desires, no aims. just to be ourselves. the zen way. the way without any way. no mind. just be. how quickly thought and language ceases when contemplating this.

New

Today i looked at a beautiful foto of you that i made a while back and hid away. It's big enough to really look into your eyes. and i saw that you are just a person with fears and dreams about life and not the illusion i often create around you. i let my fears and expectations cloud my perception of your fragility. but so imperfect with little wrinkles around your eyes, you remain beautiful to me.

Death

Today I died. today i faced the lord of despair and lost and won. long life pual.

Bygones

i now and again think of contacting old flames. i'm sure this must be a very common desire since i saw it in that movie with whathisname. i've not really done it, except to have lunch, ten years later, with my first girlfriend. but that wasn't in desperation. but maybe i should, just to see what happens. mostly what i want to ask them is what they are doing, and to explain to me what went wrong. yes that sounds like the typical process. a desire is born of loneliness and probably because something is going wrong in a current realtionship. we have the false hope that maybe the potential of the past could be revived or at least that the good aspects revived. truly a hopeless quest.

¨...this will reverse the effect of the worlds mad plunge into suffering for the last two hundred million years...what a lovely night that will be...as the senile robins become bright red again...¨
-Leonard Cohen

i just want to say one thing late on a thursday night in a foreign country. after all that i've said. after all that i have learnt about human nature and carnal nature. against reason, i'm in love her with all my being...

desperate heart

Dear X

this is goodbye. even though i accept that each time i try to do this, what i desire most of all is that you will come closer to me. and when i think about you or read your writing i cannot accept that i will ever lose you. but i don't care anymore what idiotic things i do or try. i've stopped phoning you because you never answer your phone. i can't even send you flowers because you won't give me your home address. what a disaster. you told me you would come, not once, but many times. i do not even have enough incentive to go to a club or bar to meet woman, but for you i went to another country and stupidly risked a year of my life so that we can see each other more often. and all you have is excuses. and what an expert you are at excuses. i'm tired of my dependence on you, so from now on you can keep all your fucking excuses for yourself. i hate you for the way you've managed to kill something so beautiful, and yet i love you with all my heart and wish you happiness and i accept my part in this mess. although there from the safety of your air-conditioned office, you can probably write this off as a bad novel. anyway you must be used to missing deadlines by now. you seem to be good at just going with the flow, so good luck with your flow theory.

mad

a strange day. i wonder what's going on between me and x. there's some curious energy. i cut my hair today. what a cut. she was rough but i liked it. no i'm not talking about sex. maybe scalp play. well at least i look presentable now.
i won't be writing so much to X. anymore, even though it kills me. why should i share my intimate thoughts with her when she is about to dissappear. i can't even phone her late at night or send her flowers. she has made sure of that.
i wish god did exist in the traditional sense then i could've told 'him' what a fucking doos cunt he was before i went up in flames. it would've been the vain revolution of one nothingness against the great jellogoG. And fuck the pope too while i'm at it. That a grown man in command of so many languages can believe such utter crap - what a drooling clown. sorry to the 1 billion brainless little lambs out there. and let me not say anything against the other prophet. what a waste to have the bullies after one. i hope we have a plague soon to cut the human race to size. they have grown fat and fixated with ideological air. they destroy the earth and animals while they masturbate with their puny little missiles. the united states of arrogance and their arsenal of death. what wankers. the big fish in the little pond of earth. how the bully will run when it shoots itself in the foot or a whale sits on it. fuckit, someone should say these things. but it's true, all of us should do introspection to see where all our so-called 'knowledge' really comes from. i'm just a wanker like the rest of you. call me a messenger, a stirrer-upper. all i can say is listen carefully to my words, take them very seriously, but don't copycat a word or an emotion. we don't need any more enthusiastic followers. shut your fucking brain up and be quiet for a while. close this book and be real for a moment without society or parents or gods or prophets or family or pasts or futures. in other words look outside at the stars. life is life, no need to tell me about reality. today a 4 year old child was hit by a bus and killed in front of his mother. but for fuck sakes people, let's not add to the confusion. wake up.

today i realised again just what an incredibly powerful force sex is. good lord. i don't know about woman, but poor men. and contraception has turned the world upside down for woman too. children and sex are no longer one. lust has been let out on its on its own cognisance.

moonday

ooooh what a little moonlight can doooo.... I always feel something when i look up at the moon. tonight she was beautiful in the cold night covered in her wispy white nightgown.
there's good days, bad days and then there was this monday. i miss her so terribly. i make the mistake of tying my happiness to this mystery woman, this anima that colours my dreams. if that is my biggest mistake in life, and i have to pay for it in empty longing, so be it. i refuse to give up my hope...sorry krishnamurti..or sorry paul.

day of ?

she was once again my whole day with her absence. I spent it listening to music, studying spanish and english with Malena for most of the day, and then wasting a few hours 'getting lost in that hopeless little screen'. hopefully i was learning some spanish. i've got a feeling my destiny will lead me to cuba. i've got a feeling my destiny will forever return to the spanish world. why should this be so. because maybe the arrow of time have come this way before. maybe i'm wrong. maybe i die tomorow. maybe the world ends in fire or ice and i have to wait a thousand million years before i dance with her in cuba. i wish i could write. i wish i could start to build something, or realize something, or just live. this waiting is hard to bear. Maybe i just fear the hard work and necesary failures inherent in starting to create.

A new teacher is coming in a week, so i might be sharing the flat with him.

day of drinking

Malena told me a story of one traditional meaning of the bullfights in spain. the bull represents a man and the bullfighter a woman. he comes for her but she side-steps the thrust everytime, inflicting an injury to the hapless suitor, and in the end she kills him with her blows. my first reaction was to descredit this symbolism as overly cynical. however after thinking about it, i see some validity in it. perhaps hemmingway, who knew and loved the bullfights, deserted his 'true' love because he knew his spine might be lost in the process.

another friday

'Nother cold and blue day. I Worked and waited for an email from my spanish flower so that i could send her something special. It arrived but was empty. another mercurial communication breakdown. good for depression. the day was saved by little Valeria's smile and talking to Malena. Unbelievable the spanish lesson was about relationships, so i choked, and we passsed onto more neutral stuff. how's this for writing. I'm listening to Oreja de van gogh. good night. i realy need to get a life. maybe in my dreams.

calmness

today is a slow cold day. i feel quite calm, which is something of a miracle these days. the calm after the storm. although i can still feel the winds of despair nipping at the edges of my soul. it's not a good calm but a resigned calm.

Reading about the astral plane set me thinking about how we draw the things we desire into our life. That's why we must be very careful what we desire. Of course we also have a conscious role to play in shaping the course of these magnetized arrivals. So i guess what i'm saing is that life is not a hit and miss affair. if we keep our desire focused we're bound to succeed, even if it's the 3000th try, as with Edison.

Techniques

I read a good article on astral projection by Robert Bruce. i made a quick attemp to project this afternoon. i achieve relaxation but get no further. i actually fell asleep after a while and woke up remembering only the last sentence of a dream scene. I once long ago got to the vibrational stage but got scared and that was that. I wish i could make some progress. I am past the stage of doubting it is possible, i just need more disciplined practice.

Even though i unstand little about woman, i have the following belief. if a woman falls in love with you, it doesn't matter if she is currently in a hurricane, exiting from a ten year relationship, or in fact still in a relationship. On the other hand if she is not really enthusiastic then all the above will be used as valid excuses for not wanting a relationship right now. Maybe this rule will vary with people and circumstances. i am a bit too sensitive about excuses.

Suicide may be selfish, impractical and resolve nothing, but i also admire someone for having the guts to do it. Perhaps i'm also talking it good because society has such a phobia about it. Why should it be - many people kill themselves with drugs, obesity, dullness, work, anger, wars, etc. the list is endless, but as usual these mediocre suicides are seen as permissible. You can drink yourself to death but god help us if you are caught with marijuana.

friends and swear words

actually this was a day of friends. talked to Oloff. he's leaving next week for china. go brother. got a really nice letter from Nina. she's a real gem. and Leonie wrote a short mail sounding very depressed saying johannes kerkorrel commited suicide. We haven't talked in a long time so i'll write to her soon. On a lighter note I was thinking yesterday how true it is that one must choose your friends well. For example, I was always an impartial observer of the criticism leveled at the United States of Arrogance and often defended them(well i also like playing the devil's advocate). but so many of my friends hate them that my resistence has crumbled. so the moral of this story is, choose your friends carefully. well i can live with hating the gringo government and all the peacecorp-wankers fucking around in africa thinking they are god's gift to us poor third world darkies. How's that friends.

from friends to lovers. She wrote a blistering email telling me i'm getting on her nerves. she's right. i'm so insecure when it comes to her. i've made a big mistake falling so deeply for her. for her i'm a good new friend with lover potential. for me she's the goddess of love, fullfiller of all dreams and destinies. somehow i've got a feeling it's all over. she'll wake up when it's too late and by then my pride will be so hurt as to allow not even friendship. ¨wy were we crucified into sex?¨ i can hear those bloody buddists sniggering about desires and attachment. but what a woman.

taught interesting classes today. people and kids are so interesting.