murakami

If you don't want to spend time in an insane asylum, you have to open up a little more and let yourself go with life's natural flow.

...sometimes I have the need for human warmth...Sometimes, if I can't feel something like the warmth of a woman's skin, I get so lonely I can't stand it.

gaint little steps

zurich newsflash...Finn walks:)

snow

yesterday it realy snowed for the first time. a beautiful maelstrom of white water, chased around in all directions by the wind, greeted me as i looked out of the hairdresser's big windows. Also had great homemade pizza at Nicole and saw Diários de Motocicleta about Che and alberto's journey through s-america. Today i found a room at last. haleluja.

winter's welcome

Winter has reached her icy hand into our foothills. Yesterday we walked with our hands frozen through the wondercoloured rigiblick forest and every once in a while sneeufli's welcomed winter's exit from the church of last year. Tonight i can even see the stars the sky is so clear.

nicodemus

This weekend it was an honour to meet and be taught kriya yoga by the wise and radiating figure of Paramahamsa Prajnanananda. I also learnt some things about myself from others. So the search for power,peace, clarity, love continues.

joy

last night my friend Karl came to me in a dream. It was an extraordinary dream. He was there with 2 people, a big tall and stern judge and his daughter(whom i know). I greeted them all and he started asking me what i am doing now. I answered with the usual details. Then we embraced. I have seldom felt some much love. We ended up falling backwards, rolling over a table and finally onto the ground embracing with joy. Typically me i thought if this is 'allowed' between men. But there was nothing sexual i could feel. Just a huge amount of love and oneness.

I got a nice book as a present about the life of the indian sage Paramahansa Yogananda and reading this has made my being a bit more open, perhaps to far away friends as well.

the kiss

this morning in a dream i kissed a woman i know with a kiss so rare i woke up. it was a kiss built with our eyes, from the ursprong, from the fountain of love and i's.

last evening me, Paolo and Cairo went for a 'nightnic' at clifton beach. mmm beautiful sunset, wine, stars, food and kuiering.

moonday

it's been a loong day
at least the moon is on her way

oxygen and timelessness

On friday i ended a 5 day fast. it was a new experience for me and very worthwhile. although i'm a bit sick of tea at the moment,) i quote from a letter i wrote to a friend:

"it's teaching me a lot about my body and mind. paradoxically i've realised that life is not about 'not doing' or doing things but about if you can stay aware of 'your' deeper Self through everything. food is a very wonderful thing(even a can of beans sounds mouthwatering at this moment:), as is not eating. i'm beginning to see what matters most is that you are present in every moment and that 'things' are not controlling you but you are living, playing them. to live pain, eating, abstinence, sex, anger, wonder, in love, ect. but through it all not too forget that we are not these things. they are an evolutionary play of the absolute spirit... who we
are. do i make sense?:) i really like this view of things. for it doesn't take away
paul or you or pain or happiness or the past or future but just places them in perspective."

spiral

this week has been both ordinary and amazing. i am at Jan and Alexandra's place at the moment and learning something new every day. i feel the time is coming near to shift up an energy level. i mean to make those colors a bit brighter,)
i'll write more later. i've enabled comments now so hopefully anyone can add their thoughts.

dreams

the last three days i have had and remembered very vivid dreams. Two days ago i dreamt that a good friend of mine died. it shook me in the dream and i cried. this has only happened once before. the next day i dreamt of two other friends. in one i was somewhere in a mountain where there were sort of giant waterworks with a huge stone falling down, like a giant rock piston. Oloff and a girl appeared there. In the other dream a very old and long ´gone´ friend, Rolf, was caught by a dark female force with had some overtones of a dominatrix. i had to lie and cheat to try and rescue him. Last night i was shopping with stragers in a strange town and later a ´new friend´ wanted to get me to look after his bussiness selling something. It didn´t feel right and i declined.

i asked for them and they came.

am see

as you can see i'm not a very good weblogger. i am not even in the same continent as my last entry!, although it is still the same year. be that a.i.m...
the enterprise finds itself exploring the edges of the bodensee quadrant in switzerland. it is here that i have come to learn about apples, cows, cherries and have a workout and suntan at the same time,) the work is making me eat so much. luckily the food is great. lasagna, fondu, cheese, wine, rusti... It is only I, Helmut, Martina, and Helmut's parents in the adjoining house. This weekend i will leave to go back for a party in Zurich and then visit another farm next week. here's a pic taken from my room this evening. chao

new arrival

my new nephew, James Scott, was born today. Geluk Franine en Colin.

san cristobal

mexico again lured me back.... the travellers, the forests, revolution, knowledge.

veracruz

danzon in the plaza. a good friend.

first entry

captains log stardate 20049. in the swiss quadrant.

jan and alex and finn

new friends in zurich, switzerland. a new time

swiss and spanish adventure

Simone here i come

Suicide

Today my great old friend, Karl, committed suicide, while i was caught up in my circling insides and we were both hiding our pain from each other and the world. Maybe if i had shared these thoughts it could have helped him. He could have seen we are all human, and that black spiders sometimes feed off us all when we're lonely and in need of love and understanding.

writing this enabled me to get rid of some of these negative thoughts. Perhaps it will be value to someone else.

Slow goodbye

i must have known it would come to this, this slow deadening parting. when i flew across the ocean for you and you only took 3 days off from work i should have cancelled my flight as i wanted to. but i'm so curious and have been looking for so long for someone to face life with. i was weak. and then when you half-heartedly helped me to visit you i should have kept my return flight. but i was weak and didn't return. and later when you made all sorts of excuses for not coming i should have used my extended ticket but i made some fanciful plans based on a future you, and it expired. que tonto soy.

sometimes i wish i could express what you mean to me. my hands are heavy with the most delicate love. my eyes with laughing lightness. my mouth with hunger.

perhaps you are right and we are not meant for each other. i hope you are right and you find someone just as good, because otherwise you will have a sad life. me, i cannot get any sadder. a big black spider of loneliness has been feeding of my soul for some time. i can hardly get more empty.

from the song poetry of Shakira i realised this is ending. if feel about you the way that she feels about her loves. i don't think you feel this way about me. i want to learn about myself and the world through your eyes. and you want to look after yourself.

i will continue my search then. there is no other way to follow. but it will feel like treason for a long time to come.

Slow

When i sometimes consider my own selfishness i don't find it surprising that so many marriages end in divorce. with the decline of the religious imperative against divorce and rise in women's status, the amount of divorces seem to me just about right.

do you know what i miss - to share things with an intimate friend. i have high requirements for a friend and don't make close friends easily. but my friends stay my friends for life. but my male friends obviously follow their own lives and i'm not sexually interested in my female friends, so they too have their own lives. so that's why i've stopped appreciating the good things in life. like cooking and eating great tasting food, doing tai-chi, yoga, meditating, taking photographs, visiting beautiful places..etc. i just get sad when i have no-one to share it with and who shares my vision of life and love for these things. it seems pointless. so at the moment i'm just doing the minimum to stay healthy and not getting too bored untill she comes. of course this conservative and restrictive policy is backfiring, because i'm getting depressed and i'm not happy. what a surprise. so what do you want me to do. to stop this minimizing of my life and live 100%. i'll have to, but it's hard after so many years of waiting and winding down.

there's one thing i would like to do - to erase the shoulds and musts from my life. but is that possible? that would mean no imperatives, no desires, no aims. just to be ourselves. the zen way. the way without any way. no mind. just be. how quickly thought and language ceases when contemplating this.

New

Today i looked at a beautiful foto of you that i made a while back and hid away. It's big enough to really look into your eyes. and i saw that you are just a person with fears and dreams about life and not the illusion i often create around you. i let my fears and expectations cloud my perception of your fragility. but so imperfect with little wrinkles around your eyes, you remain beautiful to me.

Death

Today I died. today i faced the lord of despair and lost and won. long life pual.