Suicide

Today my great old friend, Karl, committed suicide, while i was caught up in my circling insides and we were both hiding our pain from each other and the world. Maybe if i had shared these thoughts it could have helped him. He could have seen we are all human, and that black spiders sometimes feed off us all when we're lonely and in need of love and understanding.

writing this enabled me to get rid of some of these negative thoughts. Perhaps it will be value to someone else.

Slow goodbye

i must have known it would come to this, this slow deadening parting. when i flew across the ocean for you and you only took 3 days off from work i should have cancelled my flight as i wanted to. but i'm so curious and have been looking for so long for someone to face life with. i was weak. and then when you half-heartedly helped me to visit you i should have kept my return flight. but i was weak and didn't return. and later when you made all sorts of excuses for not coming i should have used my extended ticket but i made some fanciful plans based on a future you, and it expired. que tonto soy.

sometimes i wish i could express what you mean to me. my hands are heavy with the most delicate love. my eyes with laughing lightness. my mouth with hunger.

perhaps you are right and we are not meant for each other. i hope you are right and you find someone just as good, because otherwise you will have a sad life. me, i cannot get any sadder. a big black spider of loneliness has been feeding of my soul for some time. i can hardly get more empty.

from the song poetry of Shakira i realised this is ending. if feel about you the way that she feels about her loves. i don't think you feel this way about me. i want to learn about myself and the world through your eyes. and you want to look after yourself.

i will continue my search then. there is no other way to follow. but it will feel like treason for a long time to come.