3 things, no 4

it's tonight now and i feel lonely&close to everything and just a chlini bit stoned . I saw one of the best movies tonight. Chosen by Jan, it was a Japanese film called Nobody knows. But I think a better title would have been everybody knows, but doesn't realize.

And I also listened for a first time, going home through sleeping streets, to a song i've heard a thousand times before. But tonight I listened to it for the first time. Not completely, but it's a start. An amazing song and useless to write about it really. -Ballad of the absent Mare by Leonard Cohen.

Also Mars and da sisters are shining beautifully and close in the midnight sky. Hope you weathered the hurricane Lily. Must've been quite a tempest, although not quite equal to you yet ;)

shlaf guet wêreld.

I want you, I want you, I want you
On a chair with a dead magazine
In a cave at the tip of the lily
In some hallway where love's never been
- from I'm your man, Leonard Cohen

'sisters' haunt my dreams

I remember two strange dreams from last night. In the first one I was with my mother(a younger version) and some other people gathered('kuiering') in a living room. There was also two young woman I liked and felt comfortable with. Then it slowly came out that they were my half-sisters(my mother's children). She had kept this from me and I became very angry. Perhaps i felt they could have looked after me when i was little or just merely that she deprived me of the love of two older sisters. She felt sorry but in a very harsh gesture i pushed her face back with the palm of my hand when she came close and ran away into some empty rooms. They carried the feeling of the rooms from our family house, but now mostly empty and dark. She came looking for me, but hurt and distressed i moved through different rooms and passages avoiding her.

The other dream amazingly carried many of the same themes. I was with a young woman I know. Actually the identities of the sisters was a bit mixed up. She was the younger(not in real life) sister of three. We were walking together and then she took me up and showed me the room where she lives. It didn't seem very nice to me. It was narrow, right on the street, with paper blinds and her neighbour could see right into her rooms. She didn't seem to mind though. We went in and I saw that surprisingly the rooms opened up into much bigger rooms(above?). Here her whole family was gathered(kuiering). I sat down next to her and we touched ofen. I could feel she liked me, but i was in love with her sister. I didn't know what to do. I liked the attention and through her to be with her sister. I didn't want to hurt her but i couldn't mislead her eiher. So i slowly i tried to distance myself. I don't know what happened then but at the end i found a pregnancy kit. I didn't know who it belonged to and really studied it carefully. I sadly thought that it might belong to the sister i love.

reeedd reeeed wiiiiiihhhheeeeiiiin

Today me and Jan went to buy some wine at he m-winekeller. I got slightly drunk and he was more professional and to the point. Anyway isn't wine a lot like everything else. years of history meeting you, falling on your tongue, and you either like it or you don't. Uncharacteristically i also bought some wines that i desired despite the price they extracted. growth or annihilation. wie weet?

answer is 41...and love

Dear Blogb

Once upon a time in Rome, my ex mexican friend Pedro told me he saw the most beautiful woman ever, working in Prague in a fast food restaurant, and he urged me to go see and gave me directions to get there. Well when i got to Prague I tried, sort of, but I couldn't even find the restaurant and I wasn't too bothered about the whole mission.

I must've had a hunch even then that she wasn't in Prague for today I SAW the most beautifull woman in all the universes. And I even spoke to her! but i think i just said some idiotic things and probably forgot to close my mouth too.

I wish i could describe her to you better, but i was a bit overwhelmed keeping all my bodily and mental functions from disintegrating, so sorry, i didn't get a chance to note down everything. But she did have the most beautiful long brown hair, deep deep brown eyes and a smile and aura that could move a thousand matterhorns. I hope i didn't stare too obviously at her mesmerizing breasts cut against her black dress. Oh dear. Perhaps that what all my m&M* is for. To survive an encounter like this. uh uh hu aaaahhhh.....oooohhhhhhmmmmmm...

in other beauty news the trees and leaves they leave around here speak in a colourful new language to me. einfach shön. they get ready for sleep and renewal in the utmost grace and style. zumwohl sturdy trees, you give a lesson in change.

...Only from the heart can you reach the sky,
the rose of glory can only be raised in the heart
-- Rumi

*masturbation & meditation (taken from a J. open source idea)

dreamy night

I had a very funny night last night. In fact considering the events of the day and my angry feelings afterwards, it was very curious that i went to sleep in a happy mood. perhaps the full moon waning had something to do with this? Anyway i had the funniest dream about george wable-u pus. As far as i recall i have never dreamed of a politician before and this was a first. In the dream he turned out to be much shorter than i thought. A comic little man surrounded by his aides and there was an incident with him trying to grope a woman. sehr lustig.

sun..uh i mean mistday

today's meditation was unusually peaceful. Returning from a foray my hummingbird mind told me the following:

meditation is learning to:
let go when needed
live in each new now too
accept some things
find our balance bewtix all these myriad forces
listen to the flow of the now
come home

up & down shadow & sun

How can one day take me so high and so low? unglaublich. Me and N went up to Amden yesterday chasing the migrating sun and though i didn't take my camera, i took some pictures there that will remain in me when all the film and harddrives in the world are dust.
like,
the beautiful view of Mürtschenstock, the slow sässälli ride dangling between beauty, the schöni cow music from the hundreds of church-sized bells ;) around their necks, other funny furry cows, a quick view of high säntis, dreamy houses and mountain sides, friendly passersby, an unusual golden christ effigy, mountain streams murmuring of pasts and futures unknown, N on a sunny bench in front of massive jutting mountains wrapped in 7 hues of blue mist, and the moon dancing with the setting sun above the wahlensee am ende. Well and that's only the physical impressions...
As we came down 'we came down' in many ways and i was left empty.
A strange day. Maybe I should learn not to chase the sun with wings of wax.

return of mars

tonight d' schwiiz drew against ireland...sorry Jan

we had a interesting fiery,wide and close triangle meditation

Mars beamed bright next to the pleiades down on me and Julietta

what am i to make of all this..?
i'm alive and tomorrow is a new day :)

various

"What do you think is the meaning of true happiness?" Calvin asks Hobbes.
"Is it money, cars and women? Or is it just money and cars?"

last/first Calvin and Hobbs ...change and chance and seasons

Our new Bulksms website is delivered live an kicking after a 4 month pregnancy... isn't she beautiful ;)

Want to see something very funny? fucking state of The Union

los lost

we went to see the cuban? band 'los dos' last night. their african/cuban drum player was better than the band and the best song came from the woman they pulled up front the audience to sing one famous latin song. whereever she came from she has more potential than the homey boys. watching the people dance salsa was also cool. pity i couldn't/dared not? join them ...

the whole evening started fine and with me in good spirits untill i kissed the face of death and from then my spirit descended into dante's dream without even the help of dulling drugs or freeing alchohol. the night was only saved by the passion transmitted to me from snaking shaking bodies.

captain's blob stardate mediocrity

loss

i always admired people who lost a leg or arm and continued their life as happy as ever. i never thought i could cope with such unfairness. maybe i was wrong :P

story about love

I want to tell you a very old story about a man who didn’t believe in love. This was an ordinary man just like you and me, but what made this man special was his way of thinking: He thought love doesn’t exist. Of Course, he had a lot of experience trying to find love, and he had observed the people around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to find that love didn’t exist.
Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have control over humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and that’s why no human could ever find love even though he might look for it.
...
He used to say that most relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn’t love, who only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate each other, their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and the drug addict.
The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need, lives in constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next dosage of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks, "What am I going to do if she leaves me?" That fear makes the drug addict very possessive. "That’s mine!" The addict becomes jealous and demanding, because the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses, fewer doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being abandoned.
The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn’t exist. "What humans call 'love' is nothing but a fear relationship based on control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to have? There is no love. Young couples, in front of the representation of God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other, to be there for each other, through the good times and the bad times. They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and more promises. What is amazing is that they really believe these promises. But after the marriage- one week later, a month later, a few months later- you can see that none of these promises are kept.
"What you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will be the provider, and who will have the addiction? You find that a few months later, the respect they swear to have for each other is gone. You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don’t know when the love stops. They stay together because they are afraid to be alone, afraid of the opinions and judgments of others, and also afraid of their own judgments and opinions. But where is the love?"
....
Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her , he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love doesn’t exist. He said, "This is amazing- a woman who believes that love doesn’t exist!" Of course, he wanted to know more about her.
"Why do you say that love doesn’t exist?" he asked.
"Well, its a long story," she replied. "I married when I was very young, with all the love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband continued to develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me either.
"But the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do whatever I could to support him. Now the children are grown and they have left. I no longer have any excuses to stay with him. There’s no respect, there’s no kindness. I know that even if I find someone else, it’s going to be the same, because love doesn’t exist. There is no sense to look around for something that doesn’t exist. That is why I am crying."
Understanding her very well, he embraced her and said, "You are right; love doesn’t exist. We look for love, we open our heart and we become vulnerable just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if we don’t think we will be hurt. It doesn’t matter how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search for love any longer?"
They were so much alike, and they became the best friends ever. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected each other, and they never put each other down. With ever step they took to gether, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy; there was no control, no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they missed each other.
One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest idea. He was thinking, "Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It's not what the poets say it is; it’s not what religion says, because I am not responsible for her. I don’t take anything from her; I don’t have the need for her to take care of me; I don’t need to blame her for my difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn’t embarrass me; she doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t feel jealous when she’s with other people; I don’t feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it’s not what everyone thinks love is."
He could hardly wait to go back home and talk to her, to let her know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking, she said, "I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same idea long ago, but I didn’t want to share it with you because I know you don’t believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn’t what we thought it was." They decided to become lovers and to live together, and it was amazing that things didn’t change. They still respected each other, they were still supportive of each other, and the love grew more and more. Even the simplest things made their hearts sing with love because they were so happy.
The man's heart was so full with all the love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love to her. As soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands and broke in a million little pieces.
Now there is an old man walking around the world swearing that love doesn’t exist. And there is a beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a paradise that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt, she let it go. This is the story about the man who didn't believe in love.
Who made the mistake? Do you want to guess what went wrong? The mistake was on the man's part in thinking he could give the woman his happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his happiness into her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be responsible for his happiness.
No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she could not know his dreams.
....
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be. That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn’t work that way. We make all those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail.

-- from The Mastery of love by Miguel Ruiz

mmm makes me think a lot about my own r/moaning around ;)