Suicide

Today my great old friend, Karl, committed suicide, while i was caught up in my circling insides and we were both hiding our pain from each other and the world. Maybe if i had shared these thoughts it could have helped him. He could have seen we are all human, and that black spiders sometimes feed off us all when we're lonely and in need of love and understanding.

writing this enabled me to get rid of some of these negative thoughts. Perhaps it will be value to someone else.

Slow goodbye

i must have known it would come to this, this slow deadening parting. when i flew across the ocean for you and you only took 3 days off from work i should have cancelled my flight as i wanted to. but i'm so curious and have been looking for so long for someone to face life with. i was weak. and then when you half-heartedly helped me to visit you i should have kept my return flight. but i was weak and didn't return. and later when you made all sorts of excuses for not coming i should have used my extended ticket but i made some fanciful plans based on a future you, and it expired. que tonto soy.

sometimes i wish i could express what you mean to me. my hands are heavy with the most delicate love. my eyes with laughing lightness. my mouth with hunger.

perhaps you are right and we are not meant for each other. i hope you are right and you find someone just as good, because otherwise you will have a sad life. me, i cannot get any sadder. a big black spider of loneliness has been feeding of my soul for some time. i can hardly get more empty.

from the song poetry of Shakira i realised this is ending. if feel about you the way that she feels about her loves. i don't think you feel this way about me. i want to learn about myself and the world through your eyes. and you want to look after yourself.

i will continue my search then. there is no other way to follow. but it will feel like treason for a long time to come.

Slow

When i sometimes consider my own selfishness i don't find it surprising that so many marriages end in divorce. with the decline of the religious imperative against divorce and rise in women's status, the amount of divorces seem to me just about right.

do you know what i miss - to share things with an intimate friend. i have high requirements for a friend and don't make close friends easily. but my friends stay my friends for life. but my male friends obviously follow their own lives and i'm not sexually interested in my female friends, so they too have their own lives. so that's why i've stopped appreciating the good things in life. like cooking and eating great tasting food, doing tai-chi, yoga, meditating, taking photographs, visiting beautiful places..etc. i just get sad when i have no-one to share it with and who shares my vision of life and love for these things. it seems pointless. so at the moment i'm just doing the minimum to stay healthy and not getting too bored untill she comes. of course this conservative and restrictive policy is backfiring, because i'm getting depressed and i'm not happy. what a surprise. so what do you want me to do. to stop this minimizing of my life and live 100%. i'll have to, but it's hard after so many years of waiting and winding down.

there's one thing i would like to do - to erase the shoulds and musts from my life. but is that possible? that would mean no imperatives, no desires, no aims. just to be ourselves. the zen way. the way without any way. no mind. just be. how quickly thought and language ceases when contemplating this.

New

Today i looked at a beautiful foto of you that i made a while back and hid away. It's big enough to really look into your eyes. and i saw that you are just a person with fears and dreams about life and not the illusion i often create around you. i let my fears and expectations cloud my perception of your fragility. but so imperfect with little wrinkles around your eyes, you remain beautiful to me.

Death

Today I died. today i faced the lord of despair and lost and won. long life pual.

Bygones

i now and again think of contacting old flames. i'm sure this must be a very common desire since i saw it in that movie with whathisname. i've not really done it, except to have lunch, ten years later, with my first girlfriend. but that wasn't in desperation. but maybe i should, just to see what happens. mostly what i want to ask them is what they are doing, and to explain to me what went wrong. yes that sounds like the typical process. a desire is born of loneliness and probably because something is going wrong in a current realtionship. we have the false hope that maybe the potential of the past could be revived or at least that the good aspects revived. truly a hopeless quest.

¨...this will reverse the effect of the worlds mad plunge into suffering for the last two hundred million years...what a lovely night that will be...as the senile robins become bright red again...¨
-Leonard Cohen

i just want to say one thing late on a thursday night in a foreign country. after all that i've said. after all that i have learnt about human nature and carnal nature. against reason, i'm in love her with all my being...

desperate heart

Dear X

this is goodbye. even though i accept that each time i try to do this, what i desire most of all is that you will come closer to me. and when i think about you or read your writing i cannot accept that i will ever lose you. but i don't care anymore what idiotic things i do or try. i've stopped phoning you because you never answer your phone. i can't even send you flowers because you won't give me your home address. what a disaster. you told me you would come, not once, but many times. i do not even have enough incentive to go to a club or bar to meet woman, but for you i went to another country and stupidly risked a year of my life so that we can see each other more often. and all you have is excuses. and what an expert you are at excuses. i'm tired of my dependence on you, so from now on you can keep all your fucking excuses for yourself. i hate you for the way you've managed to kill something so beautiful, and yet i love you with all my heart and wish you happiness and i accept my part in this mess. although there from the safety of your air-conditioned office, you can probably write this off as a bad novel. anyway you must be used to missing deadlines by now. you seem to be good at just going with the flow, so good luck with your flow theory.

mad

a strange day. i wonder what's going on between me and x. there's some curious energy. i cut my hair today. what a cut. she was rough but i liked it. no i'm not talking about sex. maybe scalp play. well at least i look presentable now.
i won't be writing so much to X. anymore, even though it kills me. why should i share my intimate thoughts with her when she is about to dissappear. i can't even phone her late at night or send her flowers. she has made sure of that.
i wish god did exist in the traditional sense then i could've told 'him' what a fucking doos cunt he was before i went up in flames. it would've been the vain revolution of one nothingness against the great jellogoG. And fuck the pope too while i'm at it. That a grown man in command of so many languages can believe such utter crap - what a drooling clown. sorry to the 1 billion brainless little lambs out there. and let me not say anything against the other prophet. what a waste to have the bullies after one. i hope we have a plague soon to cut the human race to size. they have grown fat and fixated with ideological air. they destroy the earth and animals while they masturbate with their puny little missiles. the united states of arrogance and their arsenal of death. what wankers. the big fish in the little pond of earth. how the bully will run when it shoots itself in the foot or a whale sits on it. fuckit, someone should say these things. but it's true, all of us should do introspection to see where all our so-called 'knowledge' really comes from. i'm just a wanker like the rest of you. call me a messenger, a stirrer-upper. all i can say is listen carefully to my words, take them very seriously, but don't copycat a word or an emotion. we don't need any more enthusiastic followers. shut your fucking brain up and be quiet for a while. close this book and be real for a moment without society or parents or gods or prophets or family or pasts or futures. in other words look outside at the stars. life is life, no need to tell me about reality. today a 4 year old child was hit by a bus and killed in front of his mother. but for fuck sakes people, let's not add to the confusion. wake up.

today i realised again just what an incredibly powerful force sex is. good lord. i don't know about woman, but poor men. and contraception has turned the world upside down for woman too. children and sex are no longer one. lust has been let out on its on its own cognisance.

moonday

ooooh what a little moonlight can doooo.... I always feel something when i look up at the moon. tonight she was beautiful in the cold night covered in her wispy white nightgown.
there's good days, bad days and then there was this monday. i miss her so terribly. i make the mistake of tying my happiness to this mystery woman, this anima that colours my dreams. if that is my biggest mistake in life, and i have to pay for it in empty longing, so be it. i refuse to give up my hope...sorry krishnamurti..or sorry paul.

day of ?

she was once again my whole day with her absence. I spent it listening to music, studying spanish and english with Malena for most of the day, and then wasting a few hours 'getting lost in that hopeless little screen'. hopefully i was learning some spanish. i've got a feeling my destiny will lead me to cuba. i've got a feeling my destiny will forever return to the spanish world. why should this be so. because maybe the arrow of time have come this way before. maybe i'm wrong. maybe i die tomorow. maybe the world ends in fire or ice and i have to wait a thousand million years before i dance with her in cuba. i wish i could write. i wish i could start to build something, or realize something, or just live. this waiting is hard to bear. Maybe i just fear the hard work and necesary failures inherent in starting to create.

A new teacher is coming in a week, so i might be sharing the flat with him.

day of drinking

Malena told me a story of one traditional meaning of the bullfights in spain. the bull represents a man and the bullfighter a woman. he comes for her but she side-steps the thrust everytime, inflicting an injury to the hapless suitor, and in the end she kills him with her blows. my first reaction was to descredit this symbolism as overly cynical. however after thinking about it, i see some validity in it. perhaps hemmingway, who knew and loved the bullfights, deserted his 'true' love because he knew his spine might be lost in the process.

another friday

'Nother cold and blue day. I Worked and waited for an email from my spanish flower so that i could send her something special. It arrived but was empty. another mercurial communication breakdown. good for depression. the day was saved by little Valeria's smile and talking to Malena. Unbelievable the spanish lesson was about relationships, so i choked, and we passsed onto more neutral stuff. how's this for writing. I'm listening to Oreja de van gogh. good night. i realy need to get a life. maybe in my dreams.

calmness

today is a slow cold day. i feel quite calm, which is something of a miracle these days. the calm after the storm. although i can still feel the winds of despair nipping at the edges of my soul. it's not a good calm but a resigned calm.

Reading about the astral plane set me thinking about how we draw the things we desire into our life. That's why we must be very careful what we desire. Of course we also have a conscious role to play in shaping the course of these magnetized arrivals. So i guess what i'm saing is that life is not a hit and miss affair. if we keep our desire focused we're bound to succeed, even if it's the 3000th try, as with Edison.

Techniques

I read a good article on astral projection by Robert Bruce. i made a quick attemp to project this afternoon. i achieve relaxation but get no further. i actually fell asleep after a while and woke up remembering only the last sentence of a dream scene. I once long ago got to the vibrational stage but got scared and that was that. I wish i could make some progress. I am past the stage of doubting it is possible, i just need more disciplined practice.

Even though i unstand little about woman, i have the following belief. if a woman falls in love with you, it doesn't matter if she is currently in a hurricane, exiting from a ten year relationship, or in fact still in a relationship. On the other hand if she is not really enthusiastic then all the above will be used as valid excuses for not wanting a relationship right now. Maybe this rule will vary with people and circumstances. i am a bit too sensitive about excuses.

Suicide may be selfish, impractical and resolve nothing, but i also admire someone for having the guts to do it. Perhaps i'm also talking it good because society has such a phobia about it. Why should it be - many people kill themselves with drugs, obesity, dullness, work, anger, wars, etc. the list is endless, but as usual these mediocre suicides are seen as permissible. You can drink yourself to death but god help us if you are caught with marijuana.

friends and swear words

actually this was a day of friends. talked to Oloff. he's leaving next week for china. go brother. got a really nice letter from Nina. she's a real gem. and Leonie wrote a short mail sounding very depressed saying johannes kerkorrel commited suicide. We haven't talked in a long time so i'll write to her soon. On a lighter note I was thinking yesterday how true it is that one must choose your friends well. For example, I was always an impartial observer of the criticism leveled at the United States of Arrogance and often defended them(well i also like playing the devil's advocate). but so many of my friends hate them that my resistence has crumbled. so the moral of this story is, choose your friends carefully. well i can live with hating the gringo government and all the peacecorp-wankers fucking around in africa thinking they are god's gift to us poor third world darkies. How's that friends.

from friends to lovers. She wrote a blistering email telling me i'm getting on her nerves. she's right. i'm so insecure when it comes to her. i've made a big mistake falling so deeply for her. for her i'm a good new friend with lover potential. for me she's the goddess of love, fullfiller of all dreams and destinies. somehow i've got a feeling it's all over. she'll wake up when it's too late and by then my pride will be so hurt as to allow not even friendship. ¨wy were we crucified into sex?¨ i can hear those bloody buddists sniggering about desires and attachment. but what a woman.

taught interesting classes today. people and kids are so interesting.

a new day

The past days now look a bit dramatic to me. but that's how it works. everything, including our psyche, is revolving, changing, forming new angles, new relationships. and hopefully we learn and evolve.

I just want a woman who has a great sense of humour, is very intelligent, has style, cares for nature and people, is very open-minded and thinks our life here is about learning. Learning about ourselves, to love, to create and of course to enjoy ourselves doing it. Is that so difficult? well maybe also because she has to love me, that is, my constellation of personality traits.

Ya sabes mi vida, estoy hasta el cuello por ti, Y si sientes algo así, quiero que te quedes junto a mí.

Astrology has taught me something about relationships. about how people can get along in some areas and not in others. Even my best friends, I realise lately, will in certain aspects never see life as i do. But in that diversity lies great power if we can overcome the desire to be the only right person or nation.

For instance, the Arrogant states of america's only recourse is to destroy that which it fears. which is very funny since one of the things that led to its greatness was the diversity of the new arrivals and the peoples they conquered. They are at the turning point, and instead of learning new ways to cope with their material success they are closing shop in order to try and protect it. This always leads nowhere and i think many of its citizens know this. Well enough talk of our planet's olympic gold medalist in material advancement and meddling. Let not us whores cast a stone at our fellow whore, albeit overly fat with power.

Osama-bin-laden? i think what he allegedly did happened becaused the majority did not act. when reasonable people fail to act and curb an injustice in more peacefull and creative ways, the anarchists will step in to do the job. and then the dogs of war are loosened and the matter is resolved in blood. it's much easier to destroy. one can argue there exists an art form to war and combat. but those who do become masters of these arts seldom use it to inflict injury.

tonight looking up at the half-moon set my thoughts drifting. about her. of how i miss the small things one finds in a good relationship. like showering together and washing each other. just at this moment, as things usually happen, i turned in behind a couple holding hands. a young and beautiful couple walking home hand in hand. i've walked this route for six months and this is the first time this has happened. the actors of my thoughts continued in front of me, holding each other around the waist when the path got narrow and once she just scratched his back with soft loving strokes. this is what i miss.

wasting time on a sunday

the problem is dear laundromat that at the moment she is my happiness and i need her. on the few days when i am strong and filled with energy then i love her even more. i don't need her on those days. then she's not an obsession but a gift from god. then she is my friend, my muse, my dream and i forget her hesitations and distance. but those days are so few. what i need to do is create. to create so much that my desires convert into art and fly around like mad vultures looking for her. i need her so much and she's worried about taking too many days off. dear god.

i have become two people - the strong and the weak. at first it disturbed me, but now i just watch it with acceptance. maybe this is how dr jekyll and mr hyde started out.

Today i wrote to her trying to be strong. i gave her the sacrifices-must-be speech. ¨sacrifices and compromises must be made to make this relationship work.¨ am i getting that desperate. i thought i had given up on her. it's amazing what the hour phone call of yesterday can do for optimism.

My friend Nicola will surely think i've taken leave of my senses if she reads this. A part of me wants to share these obsessed thoughts with the world but another part knows i will look back on this as a lovesick aberation.

but today was not only about her. I found some good material on astral/etheric projection on the net. there are some really talented and energetic people out there. and they know how to make a living from their passion. that's important too if your not an 'ascended one' yet. i wonder where life will lead me. i rarely come into contact with these people because i'm such a loner and i prefer to do things myself anyway. i'm not a very good follower. but sometimes i wish i could meet more of them. especially the ones who are sensible but also believe there is more to life than work, tv and patriotism.

telephone conversation

it's her. electricity pulse through my veins for a second.
¨hi¨. confidence in my voice. gladness. indifference.
[i should have done this long ago. to share my thoughts, even if it's just with the anonymity of that magic monster called the internet. after all we were born of this fountain of connectedness. But my emails to her have been my diary for a year and a half. and now i no longer feel like sharing myself with her. what's the use.]

We talk and THANK DOG the line is clear this time.
There have been so many interruptions in our communication: wrong numbers, two-minute conversations cut short by unco-operative cellphones when my heart was thirsting for her voice. not to mention returned post and denied visas from the Arrogant States of America. now that i think about it, it's a miracle we have come this far.

for a few minutes at the start of our conversation i am myself and she's my close friend. then we get to the laundromat of our feelings - when is she coming. i didn't steer the conversation here. she did, by asking about the future, about dates. but i want to clear this up, and we talk for ten minutes about dates. i'm in love with her but i have to talk about stupid dates. what we are really talking about is my expectations, my hopeless dreams and her resistance, or is that indifference, to coming. to me. i really have no clue what she feels.

¨why haven't you come yet?¨ she gets excited. her words approach 'island speed' and i feel her blood pressure rising as i lose my confidence. all she's telling me is excuses and i hate excuses. Dammit, tell me the truth. why pretend you would like to come when i can hear the 'buts' coming like trucks before you even say them. god fucking dammit.

we end in silences..silencios huecos? a stalemate like always and i the loser, or so it feels. i have nothing to convince her but my 'rare' self. what a fragile trade if there's no cultural missives, no monetary status or familial reasons for coming together. yes sex, that lowely and sacred beast is my only other ally in this. but not for her it seems. a double edge sword then. The wise old bushmen women from africa say men's semen would kill them if there were no women. a dangerous sword. i hope to god they're wrong.

we talk for a long time after. apparently of a personal nature, but to me it feels more like a condemned man talking to his jailer about his kids and the things he loves before he faces the unknown. we talk mostly about her. she rarely asks anything about me except how long i plan to stay. i guess that is partly my fault, with me aiming my camera of longing on her before she disappears or i kill her in my mind. that is exactly what i've been trying to do the last few weeks - to hate her. i hate myself for doing that. plus i have no idea if it's not just achieving the opposite. the mind is a strange place closer to salvador dali than b.f. skinner.

on the phone time gathers up our moments. our silences grow and my feeble attemps at conversation become more desperate. i could say bye, but the masochist in me is waiting for her to do just that. let her her do what she surely wants to. to end her tension, her guilt, her problem. i'm weak now.

the internet can be a curse. we have met and talked on the phone, but mostly we have communicated through email. we have told each other we are in love, but yet we rarely use each other's names. I say her name before we hang up. she laughs. i should tell her i love her, but i'm just sad.

why don't we just end it? but she wouldn't want that and i'm unable to. she's not like me. not a free agent. a man who doesn't care about christmas. a man with no god, or at least a human gods, and in rebellion against the Others. i long for purity and she's perfectly willing to play the gray game of life.

¨we must have a story with a happy ending,¨ Shakira pleads on the radio. and that's what i want too. not to live a sad life. despite the fact that i hate contrived movies with happy endings. so much for consistency.

i don't want to be obssessed with love, or with her. i just want to be myself. I want to inspire her and create - every day. not five days a year. I want someone to feel about me like i feel about her. i wish they could develop a search enjine to find such love. Very funny and impossible.