de-feat-ed?

sad goodbye but i got the nicest socks in the world :) pic to follow

eerste schneeeeeeeee !!!

I was sitting inside, in front of a huge glass window overlooking the street and listening to the reverberating sounds of tibetan bowls when the white Lady decided it's time to strew down on the city the first delicate crystal creatures from her wintery welcome basket.

like humans
snowflakes suddenly streak down in single multitudes
alive they dance on the air
write poetry
then die on the street

------

you know so little of me

I found a nice blog. Makes me miss my friend Karl.

http://cafeintellect.blogspot.com/

Tonight I have to write. I guess it is the time quality of today and the sufi teachings i'm listening to. About god, love,longing, burning, madmen, did i say love :) oh goD, perhaps i have been a sufi all my life without knowing it. except i am only a small sufi, and also one who cannot decide between the love of the empty goD or the feminine embrace of fullness. Ah both, give me both. Except i usually curse one and love the other.

Also tonight I continue writing to her in her absence. She who creates such an unfullfilled longing in me. My fear of 'losing' her strikes me deep in my stomach so that i become sick. It happened again today. Perhaps i have this time taken on more than i can bear. Dear dr. Jung, I am in your country, assist me in facing my shadow and 'finding' myself and so her. May my teacher assist me. I love her.

original face

one day when i was feeling very desperate
i went to you full of my despair
to lie to you, to show you(again) i love you, and to test for hope

and late at night at the end of my utter failure
i placed my hand close to yours
and you, thinking i meant to take it(maybe i did)
took mine and we locked hands
not as lovers, but in desperate consolation
maybe the red wine helped or maybe not
but a peace descended on me
a silence that was not akward but infinite, timeless
we said nothing,
nothing needed to be said
- you were there.
and looked at nothing
nothing else needed to be looked at
- you were there.
then i dissolved
for the first time in my life _i_ did not exist
_i_ wasn't me or even you
there was just, unthinking, unfeeling, unasking, awareness
i don't know what you felt for i had no words
,even to you
perhaps you shared some of it
i wish very much to be with you again and return this
but i have not been able to
it seems that the world of a thousand things
barrs my way.

now

outside my window the moon is giving me a sultry sideways glance. Venus glides shining towards the horizon and i know mars has risen over the zurisee. And I 'see' the deep ones are above as well -pluto, uranus and neptune. Quite unusual. Outside it is huere kalt..cold and the churchbells just rang for sechsi. I feel strange. something is coming :) a ver.

verlange, hart, breek, loser, hotel, s&m

ek is nie heeltemal seker of ek hieroor moet skryf nie. Behalwe dat dit uiters vervelig gaan word vir die leser, huil die leser, mag dit 'n ander ding te weeg bring wat ek regtig nie van hou nie en dit is jammerte(pity). Die arme afrikane, die arme hond, die arme armes, die arme paul...uh Ran. wel asb moet my net nie fokken jammer kry nie, ek doen dit soms genoeg self...

Die dramatiese punt: Daar is 'n rede hoekom ek stadig doodgaan en energie verloor en ek verstaan nie meer hoe presies ek dit heeltyd regkry om soveel te 'verloor' nie, dit is, pogings tot romantiese verhoudings. Wel ek is seker die rasionele onder ons sal aan 'n paar redes kan dink. Maar hier is die armsalige rede:
Ek gaan dood aan verlies van liefde(ja lag, maar julle dag kom dalk nog. wel ek hoop nie so nie). Nie liefde in die algemeen nie, ek voel liefde van my familie en vriende en die natuur en diere en myself. Liefde van 'n vrou, meisie, dame, prinses, soulmate, seksuele-ander-helfe.


die res...

...
I'm aching for you baby
I can't pretend I'm not
I need to see you naked
In your body and your thought
...
There ain't no cure for love
All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky
The holy books are open wide
The doctors working day and night
But they'll never ever find that cure for love
There ain't no drink no drug
(Ah tell them, angels)
There's nothing pure enough to be a cure for love
...
There ain't no cure,
There ain't no cure,
There ain't no cure for love
-Master Cohen

You can call me Ran

At Samhain(All Hallows) we remember and give thanks to all those good souls who have helped us and the world, and who have found peace. In the original celebration of Samhain the guy, representing our old self who has served well, is placed on the bonfire so that it might be consumed in fire, so releasing its light to bless the community and the land. from zoence- the science of life

last night i was rolling around in my thoughts. and the idea came to me to give myself a new name. It's not that i dislike my old name, but i never really felt inspired by it. Half my family and the christian world are called paul. This change feels intuitively right and wasn't consciously planned. A few days ago i suddenly thought of adding my mother's family name to my surname and that's how it started. In the latin world both the father and mother's surnames are used.

Not that names are the most important thing, but if you're going to use one, you might as well like it. like clothes. And it feels kind of exciting to choose my own name this time. I also decided to throw out my middle name(like a unused apendix :) I'll put my old name in its place because it has served me well after all.

Some meanings of Ran:
Japanese - chaos, rebellion, war, upheaval, excess; water lily(symbolizing purity), orchid; a cute sound one makes when happy; the change that results from adding a new element to an existing order
Norse - sea goddess of storms. She collects drowned people in her net.
Hindi - queen.
Tibetan - "time to do" particle, certain time, kind of grass
Anglo Saxon surname - pure, clear.
Hebrew - Happy, song, sing, prayer, chant, ringing cry usually associated with joy
& apparantly a good movie by Akira Kurosawa

Paul:
greek - small, little, humble

Yours newly
Ran-paul
time is now for a small rebellion towards joy & clarity ;)