Slow

When i sometimes consider my own selfishness i don't find it surprising that so many marriages end in divorce. with the decline of the religious imperative against divorce and rise in women's status, the amount of divorces seem to me just about right.

do you know what i miss - to share things with an intimate friend. i have high requirements for a friend and don't make close friends easily. but my friends stay my friends for life. but my male friends obviously follow their own lives and i'm not sexually interested in my female friends, so they too have their own lives. so that's why i've stopped appreciating the good things in life. like cooking and eating great tasting food, doing tai-chi, yoga, meditating, taking photographs, visiting beautiful places..etc. i just get sad when i have no-one to share it with and who shares my vision of life and love for these things. it seems pointless. so at the moment i'm just doing the minimum to stay healthy and not getting too bored untill she comes. of course this conservative and restrictive policy is backfiring, because i'm getting depressed and i'm not happy. what a surprise. so what do you want me to do. to stop this minimizing of my life and live 100%. i'll have to, but it's hard after so many years of waiting and winding down.

there's one thing i would like to do - to erase the shoulds and musts from my life. but is that possible? that would mean no imperatives, no desires, no aims. just to be ourselves. the zen way. the way without any way. no mind. just be. how quickly thought and language ceases when contemplating this.